Back to being my own self!!

I used to feel something missing in my life, something that I couldn't really figure out until recently. At the end of the day, I was not able to sleep happily due to this missing something. Days are seeming to be normal these days. And now I am thinking what has changed over the past 10 days. I have become more independent. I gave a long break to the cook in our house. The maid who otherwise comes twice daily is hardly coming once in a day. My mother in law is on a vacation and I have the entire kitchen and a whole bunch of responsibilities to handle, completely on my own. I have a two year old to occasionally irritate me exactly when peace is one thing I need the most. I thought patience is something that cannot be learnt. It has to be within us. But I think I am getting well trained in being patient. I am not shouting at her as often as I used to. Additionally I am working in the office for 4 hours a day, though not contributing anything much yet, but having my time away from home for those few hours a day experiencing the life of a semi working mom. 

Satisfaction is something that has been added into my life. I am satisfied with my performance as of now. I am happy being busy. Busy life has become a part of my life for a very long time that it can be said to be an integral part of myself. What have I been missing all this while? I have been missing the responsibilities that I love, control over things managing time and resources, using some brain to solve issues if any, making my presence felt (missed it the most), being independent, being active (become very lazy these days) and so on.. I will close this by recollecting what my physics sir in +2 Mr. Lakshmana Rao said, "If u don't believe the life u live in, then u have to live the life u believe in".  

Ignorance is a bliss

I once thought that blessed are the ones who can judge people better with a conversation or two. They can be careful in their terms with the cunning individuals and save themselves from a lot of trouble. But little did I realize that this blessing can turn into a curse. Sometimes it feels much more comfortable to be in false hope rather than to face the reality, especially when the reality is very bitter. True, reality is bitter. The reality that everyone lives for his/her own selfish needs with very few people thinking otherwise, is hard to accept. It gets even more harder to withstand and live among such people. You tend to move away from them. Far away that you end up wondering what the hell did I gain by knowing them for who they actually are? Weren't things much simpler when I was thinking that the world is ideal?

No wonder, we all realize at some point or the other that childhood days are the sweetest. You are ignorant of so many things. You think that everyone is good and everyone belongs to you and love people unconditionally. All the parents will agree to me that it is practically impossible to bring up a child without being hard on them at times. I kind of have a higher limit on how hard I can be, due to my low patience levels. However, sometimes I feel ashamed at how she craves to make me happy when I am not in a good mood. If you have mistaken me already, I am not claiming here that I am the only perfect soul. I have my own set of negatives to work on. I have a lot to learn from a 2 year old. But too tough to implement it for us, because we know what the world is unlike her. How I wish things are as easy to implement, as they are to talk about. If I feel like this, I cannot imagine what He must be going through to see his characters perform the drama in such a disturbing way! Definitely, ignorance is a bliss!!!

Bhavani Island!

Finally....!! I have been wanting to go to Bhavani Island for the last 3 years. Today, I got a chance to be there. The island is very crowded in karthika masam that you feel reluctant to go there unless you have a big group of your own. On the rest of the days, there are too few people on the island doing things you really wont be interested to know. So, that makes it not a safe place for people like us to go and have fun in those days. I was aware that today is the last sunday of karthika masam, but din't really have it on my mind in the morning while having a lazy sunday breakfast until someone told me that they were going to "Bhavani Island" for vanabhojanalu(A social concept where people gather at a place and have some fun filled activities and lunch, preferably under trees in some garden). Whoever knows me in the whole of Vijayawada, I bet is aware of the longing I have to go to the Island. There was a gush of thoughts in my head at that very moment i heard those words. I went straight to Vijay and told him that I want to go to the Island today. One has to be fortunate to have a special someone in their lives who cares about your feelings and is willing to make things happen, just for you. We immediately got ready and just went ahead to Punnami resorts. There was a line where we had to wait for almost an hour in the scorching Sun to get into a boat to take us to the Island. I had the two best men of my life with me(Vijay and my dad) and my wonderful little daughter, none of them showing even a slightest discomfort on their face for what they are going through for me, just because I wanted to experience going there. Not that it is one great place, but just that I want to have that place checked in the list of my visiting places. It is a feeling that can only be understood when felt than being said. After reaching the island, my daughter had a great time. She enjoyed the open air, lots of place to run around, many kids whom she watched play, playing a few small rides... She also enjoyed the boat ride to and from the Island. It was truly a wonderful experience for me today! 

Innocence or forgiveness?

This was an incident that happened about 17 years ago. I still remember it so well, because it has left an indelible mark on me. I was a kid then and was very fascinated by babies. They come to me quite easily and would enjoy to stay with me and play. I was so proud of myself that I have a charm to attract kids and I have a way with them. Vasu, my cousin's daughter slapped on this  very pride. She never came to me and never played with me. I remember once when I went to my grandmothers house I cried because she wasn't coming to me. Looking at my grief,  my cousin forcefully kept the baby in my hands. Vasu as a small baby began crying so badly that I had to finish my holidays without being successful at gaining her attention or love or whatever it is called..

When Vasu was 2 years old, she came to my house with her mom. I was so happy because i thought i can bribe her with all my toys and get her to come to me. Yet another disappointment..nothing worked.. She was so rigid about not coming to me and my ego did not allow me to give up. She left me no choice than being harsh to her. I locked the rest of the people in the house in a room and told her that I will allow her in only if she came to me like other kids. She did not buy that. I dont remember for how long i made her cry or how much the elders shouted at me. Finally one of my maternal cousins came home. Though Vasu was meeting him for the first time, she went running to him and he took her out to calm her down. This irritated me all the more..Why the hell does she not like me?

I sat there wondering about so many things. I dont know what my cousin told her on the way or if at all he told her anything. After they returned, she came to me by herself and offered me one of the two chocolates she got from the store outside. I did not have any words. I literally tortured her and she..she innocently came to me to share her chocolate. All this flashes in my head when i meet her even today...

Motherhood!!

My blog page normally talks about my experiences and my perception about things with some exaggeration where required to spice up the reading experience. Well, these days my life is travelling in a totally different direction from what it was. Anand, a friend asked me the other day as to why I haven't posted in a long time.. I asked him what to blog on and he said, well, you are a mother now.. Why don't u blog about it? It occurred to me as a brilliant idea and here it goes.. 

As I read on one of the pages on the net, there is no book in the world that could come close to fully explaining the enormity of a mothers job. The shift into motherhood is a complete physical, mental and above all an emotional transformation. Many of the life changes continue after the baby arrives. Career goals, financial planning, travel plans, social life, family life are a few to quote. 

Its really fun to look at babies and play with them. But its a totally different experience to raise a baby. Playing with the baby is only one aspect. Having baby as a part of your life is another! One has to fully understand the intricacy and the associated responsibility. Childhood is an important part of any person's life. It lays the foundation for ones character. It certainly is the whole responsibility of a mother to ensure that the child sufficiently enjoys this most joyful phase of its life and at the same time cultivate healthy living habits and travel in the direction of being a good human being.

It takes only a couple of minutes to yell at them and that haunts the brain for a long time. Thankfully, though they are not in a position to understand that whatever you do is for their good in a long term, they do forget your anger very soon and come running to you with a nice smile and hug you. That is when it pricks me real hard and makes me wonder whether I need to improve on my patience levels or the baby needs to improve on her obedience. And yes.. It is at this time that we need support from the rest of the family as well. Though the baby cannot, our family should definitely understand that we(mothers) are the last ones on earth who would want our kids to suffer.. if we do something to hurt them, we do it because we have to and not because we want to and  that we suffer many folds more than we hurt them!!

Attitude Vs Perception!

Of late I have been hearing that I complain a lot. Well, I am neither Mrs.Perfect nor Aparichithuralu (Courtesy: Movie by name Aparichithudu). I know that I cannot go and improve the whole world and change it to be a sweet world to one and all. I always liked this one statement that my Intermediate physics sir had written in my autograph book - 'If you don't believe the life you live in, you should live the life you believe in'. Yes, it sounds so simple and nice. But not very easy to put into practice. In my opinion, things that went well are good. But you should think about the things that dint go well and start thinking about the ways and means to improve that unless you are doubtful about your confidence levels. You are right! The people who analyze such things are called 'critics'.

Each thing has a way in which it has to be handled. For instance, if you have to bring an awareness among the people around you, there is a way you motivate them by letting them know the demerits of what the current system is and telling them how things could have been made better. But, if you have to give a feedback about somebody's performance, you first tell them what they have done good and slowly let them know how they can make it better. If you notice me in one such conversations and mistake me to be complaining all the while, I would say that it is not my attitude problem, but rather your perception problem!

The inconvenient truth..

I remember very vividly.. each and every conversation I had with various people on this very interesting topic.. 'Girls do change after marriage'. I was always against this statement all this while.. mind you, i said I 'was' against it..! I don't know if I have to call it over confidence.. But I would like to refer to it as self confidence.. I always thought and still think that I can manage things quite well. Managing time for me has never been an issue so far.

Leaving all that I managed at college aside, during my tenure at Bangalore, extremely ambitious soul that I am, I had all the time to finish my work with complete commitment towards it and at the same time, I had heaps of time for my friends - friends for life, hobbies - Yes, I used to attend drawing classes after work, yoga - Again a big yes, I used to get up at 5AM in the winter season to go to yoga class before work. I had all the patience and energy to participate in GCC(Global Corporate Challenge - u may refer to http://www.gettheworldmoving.com/ for more details on this), wherein I used to walk atleast 10,000 steps a day.

The other day I had a chat with a good old friend of mine, who has always been a strong supporter of the interesting topic that I mentioned in the beginning of this blog. We had endless discussions on this topic and we never happened to even tilt towards the conclusion ever.. All he said was - 'Wait.. U will pass through that phase.. We can talk then'. Today when I gave myself enough time to leap back and look at the past few months, they just went by before even I realize that they passed by. Yes, time flew so fast.. So fast that I missed to wish a lot of my friends on their birthdays, a few of them on their anniversaries, another few of them on the occasions and festivals.. Why?? I have a list of e-mails to which I wanted to reply in detail..,but it never happened. Why?? I have quite a lot of people whom I always think about and want to ping by and check howz life rolling with them.. But that dint happen either.. Why??

There is only one answer to all the "Why??'s" and that is - 'I really dont know!'...This is why I call it the 'inconvenient truth', 'coz I still find it hard to accept that 'girls do change after marriage'! I dunno how much does it apply to a guy though!